My fellow Americans, it is an honor for me to be here with you tonight at the Inaugural Skate Ball. I will be the first to admit that I haven’t been skating much lately. But now, as your president, I pledge to rededicate myself to our wonderful sport.

In fact, as my first executive order, I am converting the White House Bowling Alley to the White House Roller Rink.

Others urged me to devote my first official act to more weighty matters. There were calls for a war crimes investigation of the outgoing administration. And my new friend Sen. McCain asked … well, begged me … to start negotiations to return Alaska to Russia, as long as they would agree to keep Gov. Palin.

But instead, I set my sites on the White House Roller Rink.

And that’s just half of it. I also persuaded the Inline Planet to offer skaters an incredible deal on 100mm wheels.

I told the editors, “Look, we’re in a recession. We’ve already bailed out the banks and the auto industry. What are we going to do for the skaters?”

At first, they weren’t overly helpful. “How about we offer sets of Hyper Stripe 100mm wheels for $60 a piece,” they said

“What!” I said. “You call yourself Americans? These days, sixty bucks and a postage stamp will buy you Citibank. … You’ve got to do better than that!”

And they did.

They agreed to sell sets of Hyper Neutron 100mm wheels (great for both outdoor and indoor skating) for $44! … That’s unheard of!

But what can I say? Change has come to America. … Sets of 100mm wheels for $44. … That’s change we can believe in!

I was at home a few weeks ago when the phone rang.”Hey, Swagster, buddy. How’s the old noodle hanging?”

It was none other than our soon-to-be ex-president.

“Ya gotta hep me,” he says. “Darn liberal media … they’re eating me alive!”

He asked me to fly with him to Peru and help divert attention away from his failed administration by skating to to the top of Machu Picchu.

I tried to get out of it. But, as Marilyn Monroe once said, “It’s hard to say no to the president.”

A few minutes later, I hear the thwack-thwack of the president’s helicopter landing in my front yard. The next morning, we’re at the base of Machu Picchu.

“How are we going to skate up that?” I asked the president.

“Easy. I just spent 10 billion U.S. on a freeway to the summit.”

“Aren’t you worried about breaking the bank?” I asked.

He laughed. “Little late too worry about that, don’t you think?”

I thought it was going to be a fun skate. But George had other ideas. He wanted to get there first and make me, a professional skater, look foolish. But I was stronger, and every day I would reach our next base camp a few hours ahead of him.

But then on the final morning, I woke up to find my skates missing.

“Sorry, partner,” he said, smiling. “I guess you’ll have to use these.”

He handed me some rec skates from WalMart. They were three sizes too small and felt like vices on my feet.

But fortunately, I had a secret weapon: my Adam’s Defeet Skate Socks. I call them my “feet savers.” Rough on the outside and smooth on the inside, they are made with high-tech fibers (Coolmax and Fresh FX) that wick moisture away from the skin. The result: no blisters.

Just for good measure, George had the Secret Service handcuff me to a picnic table until he got a few mile headstart. But once they set me loose, I was on a mission.

Bush family friend James Baker dropped barrel loads of water on me from a helicopter. Former Florida Secretary of State Katherine Harris (remember her?) strafed me from a fighter plane. But nothing could stop me.

The temperature soared to 100 degrees. I was drenched with sweat. But my feet remained dry!

One hundred yards from the summit, I blasted past George in a blur of speed.

The White House staff booed me as I skated under the once again meaningless “Mission Accomplished” banner.

I raised my arms in victory, took off my skates and inspected my feet. Not a blister on them! Which goes to show you, there is victory in Defeet … Skate Socks!

EU	MEN	WOMEN	DeFeet
36 - 39.5	-	6 - 8	Small
40 - 42.5	7 - 9	8.5 - 10.5	Medium
43 - 45.5	9.5 - 11.5	11 - 13	Large
46+	12+	-	X-Large

Inline Planet: Mr. Putin, thank you for joining us today on Swag Talk.

Vladimir Putin: My pleasure. I’m big fan of Inline Planet. Aside from being Russian prime minister and black belt in karate, I am avid rollerblader. 

Inline Planet: Geezus. Just what we need. Another shining ambassador for the sport. … So, Mr. Putin, what do you consider your greatest accomplishment as an inline skater?

Putin: Aside from beating Chad Hedrick, Joey Mantia and Muse brothers, Dante and Tony, in top-secret match race in Ukraine, I would have to say it was my TransEarth Skate 2008.

Inline Planet: Are you telling us you skated around the world?

Putin: Yes … in 80 days.

Inline Planet: That’s awfully fast.

Putin: Would have been 40 days without ocean.

Inline Planet: You skated over the oceans?

Putin: Under them to be precise.

Inline Planet: Is that possible?

Putin: Of course. I just needed three things: pressurized suit, polonium-210, and Adam’s Ceramic Bearings.

Inline Planet: Adam’s Ceramic Bearings?

Putin: Yes. They are best. Fast as Russian MIG, water resistant like Soviet battleship, and great price. I found them on Swag for $64 a set. Amazing!

Inline Planet: But didn’t they rust in the salt water?

Putin: No! I had to replace a couple. But mostly, they just kept rolling and here is cool part, they got faster and faster the more I use them. Now we put them on all Russian submarines.

Inline Planet: What was the polonium for? Dissident porpoises?

Putin: Oh, you are funny, Mr. Swag. … Are you, perhaps, trying to start new cold war?

After 60 miles under the hot sun, I noticed sparks flying up from the bottom of my skates. I thought I must be hallucinating. 

I lifted a skate and saw the problem. My wheels were worn so badly that my frames were grinding into the pavement with every stroke. 

“Hang on,” I said to my brother. “I’ve got to change my wheels.”

We were leading the 87-mile Athens to Atlanta Road Skate by nearly a mile. The plan was that if either of us had a problem, the other would stop and help.

But apparently my brother had a change of heart.

“Sorry, but you’re toast,” he said as he pulled away from me.

I was furious.

Fortunately, I had a set of Am-Wing wheels stashed away in my jersey pocket.

I sat along the side of the road, furiously changing my wheels. As I worked, the chase pack flew by. I could hear them laughing at me.

Once I got back on my skates, I was flying. The Am-Wings seemed to roll forever.

I quickly caught the chase pack. Then I spotted my brother, about a half mile ahead.

I pulled out of the draft and put on a burst of speed, giving the pack a little wave as I left it behind.

Then I set my sights on my brother and started to reel him in.

The Am-Wings were gobbling up the asphalt. I was gaining with every stride.

When he saw me coming, he tried to pick up the pace. But by then, he was toast.

“Gets a little tiring with no one to help you, hey bro?,” I said as I rolled past him a mile from the finish line.

My victory was sweet.

These days I wonder what was more of a factor in my win: the Am-Wings or that I was furious with my brother.

I’m gonna say the Am-Wings.

They were fine!

(Editor’s note: This story was written to amuse and entertain — and to pique your interest in this week’s swag. The race described is a fabrication, which, it goes without saying, I didn’t win, although I would have done much better if I had submitted my video to Bill Begg!)

I was a pathetic hacker … one of those guys with all the best equipment but only a snowball’s chance in hell of reaching the podium.

I trained like a maniac. I did all the things you’re supposed to do. I periodized my workouts. I punished myself with interval training. I tapered before events.

Nonetheless, at every race, I got dropped within 500 yards of the starting line. The only time I ever saw the leaders was going the opposite direction on a loop course.

I was miserable. I wondered what was wrong with me. I thought about hanging up my skates.

But then, I decided to try one more thing. I sent a video to Bill Begg.

A few days later, his reply arrived in my inbox.

I was toe-pushing, he proclaimed. And my recovery loop had all the energy of a wet noodle.

He gave me some tips and prescribed specific drills and exercises.

I followed his advice. And everything changed.

A year later, I won a spot on the U.S. marathon team and found myself standing next to Joey Mantia at the start of the marathon at the World Championships in Shengyen.

“What are you doing here, you f—ing toe-pusher,” Max Presti snarled at me at the starting line.

I just smiled at him. When the gun went off, I gave him a little wave and said, “Ciao.”

All he saw of me for the rest of the race was my backside. In fact, that’s all any one saw of me.

I went on more than a dozen breakaways, thinning the pack with each one.

By the end of the race, it was just me, Joey and Max — and Max was spent; he appeared to be on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

I could have grabbed the gold medal without breaking a sweat. But I looked back and saw Joey … young and talented and such a nice kid. It was his first senior World Championships and he needed a break.

“Come on, kid,” I said to him.

I led him out toward the finish. About 50 yards from the line — with Presti about a half mile back — I said, “Take it kid. You’re the future.”

“Thanks,” he said.

“Don’t thank me,” I answered. “Thank Bill Begg.”

…

Bill Begg Video Coaching … How it works?

1. You videotape yourself skating on a straightaway and going around a corner. (We will provide you with complete instructions.)
2. You upload the video to Inline Planet’s new social networking platform. (You can post the video for all to see or privately, depending on your preference.)
3. Bill will review your video and provide a critique of your technique. He will provide you with recommendations, drills and exercises for improving your skating.

I was halfway to the North Pole in my desperate attempt to become the first person to inline skate to the Top of the World. And I was taking a beating.

It was 20-below. I was running low on acetylene for the torch I used to de-ice my bearings. And there he was … one hundred yards back … Eddy Matzger, gaining on me with every stride, which he was dutifully videotaping!

Night was descending.

Suddenly I had an epic realization: It’s not smart to skate to the North Pole in a short sleeve jersey, even if it is an incredible looking short-sleeve jersey.

But then I remembered … stuffed in the back pocket of my skate shorts was my Pearl Izumi Woolie Seamless Arm Warmers. I was saved! These stylish arm warmers are 32 percent wool and the rest synthetic fibers. The perfect combination. It halts cold in its tracks and wicks away moisture. (Yes, I’ll admit it … I was sweating!)

I put on the arm warmers and continued rolling over the ice.

I looked back and saw Eddy. He had stopped. He was cutting the toes out of some old socks to use as arm warmers. Maybe that would have helped. But the socks smelled so bad that his sled dogs refused to go further. Even the camera crew from Ripleys Believe It or Not stopped in its tracks!

Needless to say, I beat Eddy to the North Pole … thanks to my ever-so-hip Pearl Izumi arm warmers! Mrs. Santa Claus couldn’t keep her hands off them … or me!

Eddy was crestfallen. Fortunately, Santa took mercy on him and offered him a job coaching the elves skate team.

In a perfect world, all inline skate wheels would arrive like this. Fully assembled, packed with bearings and spacers, and ready to roll.
I wasn’t expecting any such thing the day my Tarmacs arrived. I figured I was in for the usual half-hour of assembly. But Adam’s Inline had already taken care of that. All I had to do was take off my old wheels and put on the new.   

The whole thing took about five minutes! … And then I was off. Racing cars, passing hapless cyclists, flying along like Joey Mantia.

These aren’t BIG name wheels … but they are fast! … and coupled with Adam’s smooth rolling Ceramic Bearings and high-quality spacers, you feel as though you could roll forever.

Like Adam says, “Every racer should be on these.”

For one week, Swag is offering Adam’s Amazing Wheel Bundle (8 wheels, 16 ceramic bearings, and 8 spacers — completely assembled!) for $144.99.

That’s 26 percent off the regular price of $196.

Buy now! Not only will you be getting a great deal, but you’ll be supporting the Inline Planet and the National Roller Cup!